BEER

A personal guide to the beers I love and the beers I loathe. See also MY BEER HISTORY

RATINGS * Bilge water ** Drinkable *** Fine **** You’ll want more. ***** Nectar of the Gods.

RA = Real Ale. Specific gravities are given when I can remember them.

GENERAL OBSERVATION - Beer is best in its Bitter form, though some lagers and ciders are fine. Beer is best as real Ale, and in a pint pot, rather than a can or a bottle. There is no such thing as Draught Beer in a can - Widgets just make canned beer taste smoother, but do not really make it a draught flow beer. Spirits, such as whiskey and Rum should be drunk without water, Ice or coke, orange juice, etc. Lesson over - here is a list of the best and worst beers, porters, lagers, and spirits, etc in my personal opinion.

AILE – Okells - ***** 4.5% A great session ale, - marketed as a Winter Ale, but good all the year round. RA

BEARLY LITERATE (Beartown Brewery) 4.5% **** Almost a wheat beer, but not quite – a strong smooth taste – quite a satisfying ale. RA

BEDFORDSHIRE CLANGER – B & T *** 3.8% A decent enough session ale but not a particularly memorable one . . RA

BIG BUMP - LITTLE BUMP (Bank Top) 4.5% **** Amusingly named bitter, with a logo depicting a pregnant woman in cartoon form, or possibly the beer belly it will give you if you take too much of a liking tot he beer which is easy with a decent, though non-to-special ale like this. RA

BLACK FUNNEL (Newby Wyke) 5.0% **A mixture of hops that makes it taste like a mixture of several beers poured into one glass by mistake – an experiment that doesn’t quite work. RA

BLACK GOLD - Caerngorm ***** 4.9% Award winning Scottish ale that bridges the dimensional gap between mild and stout, to give a terrific double taste effect. To top it all, they add liquorice and blackcurrant into the mix. Extra-ordinary. . RA

BLACK JACK PORTER ***** Archers - Dark, rich, almost liquor like, and quite delicious. RA

BLACK MASS – Abbeydale ***** 6/6% the name and taste suggest something potent, pagan and archaic – a dark mysterious beer with a rich aroma of hops. . RA

BLACK PIG MILD ***** 3.6% - Bazen's. There's a slight taste of antiseptic TCP to this and it is more akin to bitter than mild. Eccentric drink that just shouldn't work, but it does. RA .

BODDINGTONS *** - Manchester brewed until recently. When I was in Canada, I wanted to try Canadian Beers, and one publican there tried to convince me, a Mancunian, that Boddingtons was Canadian. He really got a telling off for that. Beer wise, Boddies tastes fine when well kept, an serves as a useful fall back beer if the real ale isn't flowing. Canned Boddies is a real no-no though.

BUDWAR ***** 5% As strong imported lagers go, this Czech beer is one of the finest, and a very popular drink with my Civil War Re-enactment buddies who go through several cases of it. Not to be confused with American Budweiser.

BUDWEISER * How anyone can drink this is beyond me - it tastes insipid and I find it almost impossible to get drunk on it.

CAFFREYS *** Quite a smooth beer that grew in popularity as an Irish beer that isn't a Guinness stout in the 1990's.

CAIN'S BITTER (Cain's) 4% *** Lively tasty bitter, but one that would taste dull if consumed over a full session. One to enjoy before moving on to finer things. RA

CARE-TAKER OF HISTORY - Red Rose ***** 6% Deceptively light taste might dupe you into thinking of this as a session ale, but that gravity would soon prove you wrong. Goes down way too easily. . RA

CHAMPAIGN *** To some readers, this will sound sacrilegious, but I find the reputation of Champers, on its own or in a Bucks Fizz, quite over-rated. It's nice to drink, but hardly the best drink going. For weddings and other major celebrations, I would prefer a good Chardonnay anytime.

CROMWELL'S HAT ***** Springhead. 6% A veritable general among beers as the name suggests. Strong, and forceful, commanding respect, and impossible not to notice al the way down. RA

COBRA BEER - *** Slightly spicy bottled Indian Lager that is sold in curry houses to accompany the spicy meals. I quite like it. Occasionally it can be found on draught and then it is very likeable indeed.

CORNISH MUTINY **** 4.8% Woodenhead. Strong bitter that tastes like a mild - the mutiny is a betrayal of the taste buds, but in a nice way. RA

DARK DOMINION - Hornbeam 4.79% Tastes stronger than it is but still too strong for a traditional session ale, which is a crying shame when it tastes this rich. . RA

DARK O – Otley ***** 3.8% Delightful session ale – definitely one to relax with and savour. . RA

DEUCHERS IPA **** This one sparks whole debates on how best to pronounce it, i.e. Duke-ers, Dockers, Doy-chers. One barmaid advised me wisely to just ask for the IPA. However you say it, drinking it is well worth the experience. RA

EDWIN TAYLOR'S EXTRA STOUT ***** B & T. 4.5% A strong mild, deceptively so, almost too strong to call it mild, but with this taste, who cares? RA

EBONY ***** 4.5% Front Street - This one tastes stronger than its gravity suggests, and well worth a pint or three. RA

ELIXER – Okells ***** 6.8% Strong beer and tastes it too – a great beer to finish the night with after a few session beers. . RA

EXCALIBUR – Wear Valley *** Weak tasting, and though not undrinkable, proves utterly unexceptional. . RA

FIREBOX (RCH of Somerset) 6.0% ***** Strong and treacherously so as it tastes good enough to want more of it. An instantly addictive beer. RA

GINGER WINGER Kelham - 4.7% *** Oddly named for a dark, stoutish, strong bitter. It's a name you'd associate with wheat beers, but whatever they call it, this is a good one. RA

GLOTT’S HOP –(High House Farm) 5.0% ***** an excellent and strong beer festival discovery – it tastes deceptively light for a strong ale. RA

GLUWEIN ***** Strong, and best served heated up like a toddy (in fact cold it tastes vile). This is a great Xmas drink, often sold at the Christmas Markets. good to drink and send to friends in presentation bottles.

GOLDEN DELICIOUS ***** 3.7% Burton Bridge. Tastes stronger than it is, and definitely lives up to its name. RA

GROLSH ****– Free beer which is rarely seen on draught, but not bad as a bottled beer, either, and its bottles have those fantastic pop-caps.

GUINNESS **** I like Guinness, though I generally only drink it when the bitters are poor or unavailable. I have yet to find out if it really tastes better in Ireland than over here in England. Some people say it is better, others that it is exactly the same.

HALT ***** 6% Strong real ale that looks quite light, but you can feel its effects kicking in with every sip. RA

HAZY – Otley - ***** 8% A good strong beer to have just before leaving a pub or a beer festival – as rich as a fruit cake and as good as one too. . RA

HOBGOBLIN ***** A good beer to have around Halloween, when it is marketed with flashing eyed pumpkins. It has a rich taste and a sense of darkness to it. I loved their ‘Scared of the dark, lager-boy?’ advertising promotion. RA

HUNTERS MOON Bowland Brewery 3.7% * the taste of cold coffee isn’t my idea of fun beer. RA

JAIPUR XB (Thornbridge) 5.9% **** Strong beer saturated in hops and giving a great aftertaste. RA

JEFFREY HUDSON BITTER ***** Terrific big tasting beer named after a dwarf who became a Royalist Cavalry Officer in the English Civil war. You can about read his story at http://www.shvoong.com/books/history/251980-lord-minimus/ RA

JESTER ORGANIC **** 3.5% Butts. Fizzy, fun, and nice. A bitter for those making a slow transition from alcopops to proper beer. RA.

JOHN SMITH'S BITTER ** Dull beer that I'll settle for drinking if nothing better is on offer. Often served as the token ale in bars that think alcopops and lager are all anyone really wants.

JOHN WILLIE LEES * some of my family will go out of their way to find a JWL bar. I’ll go out of my way to avoid this rubbish. An acquired taste I never could acquire.

MAE WEST - **** 4.6% Maypole - The name is wrong as you'd expect a full bodied strong beer to be named after the heavily breasted actress concerned, but despite really being an Audrey Hepburn, it is a fine beer all the same. RA

MAFTEN MAGIC (High House Farm) 4.8% - **** A chocolate beer which isn’t spoilt by adding coffee as so many are. The chocolate doesn’t taste like a melted Mars Bar, so it doesn’t forget that it is primarily a beer. RA

MAGUS * 3.8% Durham - A beer that tastes of literally nothing, almost devoid even of water. It doesn't seem possible to be the taste equivalent of invisible, but this beer achieves it. . RA

MANCHESTER RAMBLER *** John Willie Lees - A great improvement on the slop that is their bitter. RA

MARLEY’S GHOST – Archers ***** 7% Strong sugary syrupy beer that leaves in no doubt that it is one to treat with respect – You wish you could drink it all night, but you’d be a fool to try. . RA

MARSTON’S BITTER ** Cheap slightly watered Pedigree. RA

MARSTON’S PEDIGREE *** Slightly more expensive and stronger than their ordinary bitter, but not exceptional. RA

MERLIN STOUT – Tomas Watkin – ***** 4.2% A terrific session ale, and a worthy competition ale. . RA

MERRIE MAKER – Marston Moor - ***** 6.5% Beer with the opposite effect to an aftertaste in that the initial richness of the beer hits you instantly and then melts away like candy-floss almost immediately, but stays in the memory as the strength stays in your liver. . RA

MR. CHUBBS LUNCHTIME BITTER West Berkshire ***** 3.7% Eccentric name for a good session beer which is ideal for anyone wanting a quick pint at lunchtime before going back to the office, and returning to in the evening after work. . RA

MR. PERRETT’S TRADITIONAL STOUT Wickwar ***** 5.9% Anyone who thinks mild is a soft option should try this strong mild, which tastes quite modest as it slowly takes you past the point of no return. . RA

MOLLY’S CHOCOLATE STOUT ***** College Green 4.2% Lovely’ like melted alcohol flavored Galaxy Chocolate. RA

MURPHY'S **** Guinness clone that some say is better than its more famous rival, but on the whole Guinness is much richer.

NANTWICH ALE – Paradise Ales ***** 5.6% A beer reminiscent of the school tuck shop – very sweet – for grown ups with nostalgia for childhood. . RA

NATTERJACK – Southport Brewery *** 3.9% Initially tastes watery, so the far from unpleasant aftertaste comes initially as something of a surprise, though the novelty wears off after a while to leave modest contented drinking pleasure. . RA

NELSON’S REVENGE Woodfordes ***** 4.5% A decent session ale, reminiscent of lots of other fine beers you may have appreciated – a déjà vu beer. Not quite sure how Nelson is avenging himself on us with such a tipple it’s far too forgiving. . RA

NIGHT OWL PORTER *** 4.2% Buntingford. Slight watery aftertaste spoils an otherwise nice light beer. A very mild mild indeed. Nice and harmless. RA

NOCTERINE PORTER – Spire ***** 5.7% Strong rich and creamy – you’ll wish it was weaker so you could drink more. . RA

NOIR NELL **** 4.2% Bogart Brewery Xmas ale, warming and rich textured. RA

OATMEAL STOUT **** 4.4% Buntingford. Rich & Impressive tasting stout. RA

OLD DESREPUTABLE ***** 5,2% Three Rivers Brewery A beer that straddles the border between dark bitter and stout, probably from the stout side, but rich, creamy and can I have another one please...? RA

OLD MOOR PORTER ***** 4.4% Acorn. Delightfully creamy beer that should be baked into cakes. RA

OLD PECULIAR ***** 5.6% - Theakstons. The stuff of legends, and a great name for the effect it can have on you if you overdo this fine strong beer. RA

OWD TOM 8% ***** Legendary strong ale that real ale aficionados save to the end of a night at a beer festival, so that they are sober enough to enjoy all the other beers first. Not a beer for amateurs. RA

PENDLE WITCH ***** – The finest Beer on the planet. RA

PINK ELEPHANT - Hampshire Ales) 5.4% **** This sounds as if it should be strong and hallucinatory, but it tastes relatively modest and I didn't feel any more drunk for its consumption than before taking it, but it tastes fine. RA

PTARMIGAN (Harviestoun Brewery) 4.5% *** Very sugary sweet beer, not one you would like to sup over a full session, but very nice to sample at least once. RA

REDBREAST ***** 4.5% JENNINGS. Great Winter warmer ale, with a deep glowing aftertaste. RA

SAMUEL CROMPTON'S ALE *** Bank Top 4.2% Pleasant drinkable staple beer in Manchester, but not particularly distinguished. RA

SANTA’S LITTLE COSTREL Orchard’s. ***** 9.1% I rarely bother with ciders, but this uber-dry cider is a good one, quite a grainy solid liquid and strong too. . RA

SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER ***** 3.9% Caledonian Brewery - A light seasonal ale that tastes a lot stronger than it actually is, - ideal for a long, relaxed drinking session over the festivities of Yule. RA

SAXON STRONG – Mighty Oak ***** 6.5% 2008 competition Ale, and a very aggressive contender given its assault on the taste buds. . RA

SCOTS 1816 - Copper Dragon **** 4.1% Fizzy, slightly acidic beer, and contains fruit but difficult to say which fruits. Tastes great though. . RA

SCULLION'S IRISH *** Hilden Ales. 4.6% Quite weak tasting despite it's gravity, almost with a film of fine water to it, but not unpleasant to drink. RA

SEPTIMUS SID 4% **** Strange name for a basic session ale, that is nice but largely forgettable afterwards, though the name sticks in the mind when you wonder why they called it that, and perhaps that is why it has such an odd name. RA

SPECKLED HEN **** the brewery keeps messing with the Specific gravities of this fine beer, to sell it at various prices in different regions. At full 5% strength it is well worth having. RA

SPITFIRE **** Pleasant enough beer, but lacking the ferocity and wonder of the legendary fighter aircraft from which it gets its name. RA

STOCKPORT ALE * Tastes like it was dredged straight from the Mersey. RA

TETLEY'S BITTER **** - One of the better traditional non-real ale beers, and one I often easily migrate to in the absence of cask conditioned ales.

THERMAL CHEER **** 4.8% Isle Of Thurbeck. dark and strong beer with a contrasting soft and gentle taste. RA

TIGER BEER *** Decent enough for a bottled lager and one that is popular in Chinese restaurants.

VALIANT * Bateman's 4.2%. A weak beer with the taste and consistancy of cold tea. It takes forever and a day to settle in the glass. Awful.

WAPPING STOUT ***** 5% Wapping. The name sounds like a boast until you drink it and realize that they are not joking at all. This is a big wapping beer. RA

WHITBREAD'S BITTER ** - Amazed to find they still sell this stuff recently, when drinking at a social event at the Manchester Town Hall. It tastes better than I remembered it of old, but hardly a classic.

WINGATHER (Stewart Brewery) 4.5% **** Lovely beer promoted as having a fruity taste, though I fond that undetectable – nevertheless it tastes a fine ale. If anything, fruit would spoil it. RA

WINTER ALE ***** 4.8% Fullers - Very nice beer indeed, and a great way to stay warm in the cold season. RA

WINTER ALE – Saltair - ***** 4.9% A creamy smooth session ale – very nice. . RA

WINTER WONDERLAND – Archers **** 5.2% A strong Winter Ale that definitely has the right warming effect. . RA

WITHY CUTTER** 3.8% Moor. Bland, almost tasteless and non-descript bitter. RA

WORTHINGTON'S BITTER ** Easy going smooth tasting beer, that has survived the test of time well - one of the better non-real ales.

WKD ** One of the few drinkable alcopops, at least in its Orange Irn Bru guise, but the blue WKD * is naff.

WOILD MOILD **** 4.8% Wolf. Wild? Old? Well Oiled? The dialect name gives as sense of the pagan tot his one, and you can imagine druids enjoying it as much as you do. RA

YAKUZA Blackwater Brewery) 4.2% *** Rather watery tasting, - a name like Yakuza makes it sound dangerous to mess with, but it's a quite safe beer over all. RA

YULE FUEL – Spectrum – ***** 7% Delicious, so if you get one, do keep the gravity in mind before considering whether to get another – a session ale if you want a very short session. . RA

YUMMY THIGGY PUDDING ***** 7% 3 Rivers. Strong Belgian style Xmas festivities al, which lives up to its yummy promise. RA

ZEBU (Wapping) 3.8% *** Despite claims to be brewed with a hint of rum, in keeping with its obscure nautical name, (being Christened after a Tall ship), the beer is quite gentle on the palette. RA